Groundhogs Day For Online Daters

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Image: Denny Müller on Unsplash

Last night was another first date. The lady in question has a job where Tuesday and Wednesday are her Saturday and Sunday, so it was a Tuesday night date.

  • I am tall, she is tall. Check.
  • She has a job. Check.
  • She is good enough looking. Check.

This could go be ok. I’ve been here before though.

I live in a remote area, so my dates are usually 20–70 miles away from me. This is often a barrier to sustaining the relationship.

I don’t have much tolerance for drama, and the ladies I date are…

Results flow from choices

Adults realize that if they jump off a ten-story building, there will be consequences. By the time you become an adult, you have had enough scrapes with gravity that you just accept it is an inviolate force in your world. For some reason, we are a little more stubborn when it comes to forces in relationships, which are also inviolate.

Woman facing a man and smiling
Woman facing a man and smiling
Image Source: Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

For me the big one is money and ambition. If a woman I am dating asks me if I am ambitious or how long I have been at my current company, that sends warning flags into…

Walks are more enjoyable during the pandemic

Man waving joyfully
Man waving joyfully
Image Source: Nicholas Githiri on Pexels

I am a regular walker. I was before the pandemic, and I still am. Before the pandemic people walked and ran, keeping to themselves. Hardly ever acknowledging the people around them. A cocoon of silence, a respite from the hustle and bustle; a walled-off existence that ensured that no one got the wrong impression that there is genuine interest in stopping, talking, and getting to know someone. There was one job, the walk or the run, and then back to the break-need speed of everyday life.

COVID-19 changed all that. This many months…

Love is a matter of faith.

Man leaping over a canyon
Man leaping over a canyon
Image Source: Alex Radelich from Unsplash

After 16 months of physical separation, and dating 17 different women, at an average of 2 dates per woman, I have found moments of pleasure, but no joy. There is no joy in serial blowjobery, and the joy that would come from a deep connection is beyond my grasp and capabilities.

Beyond my grasp because it is so hard to find. Beyond my grasp because it is so easy for me to give up on someone, and them to give up on me — there is always another online dating opportunity. …

Sex after 30 years with the same woman

Picture showing yes, no, yes, no, ….
Picture showing yes, no, yes, no, ….
Photo by Malik Venema on , released under Creative Commons CCO license.

When you are first separated, you get the same advice from many people “Oh, you probably don’t even know what you are looking for yet”. It is advice that is difficult to accept, and harder to process. Thirty years ago it was simple, why would it be different now? The advice is both true and not true. One thing is for sure, after 30 years of having sex with the same woman, dating again is a strange place to be, disorienting, weird, and I am still having trouble saying yes to sex.

Why I need to go shopping for some new swimmers

Swimming shorts
Swimming shorts
Swimmers. Source: Wuambo

Covid has driven dating experiences to the extremes. Good “girls” in California don’t want to see anyone for fear of adding to the covid problem. Horny drunken woman are getting more aggressive on first dates “come to my place and we will have some fun in the hot tub”. Horny men of any description are letting their guard down.

Jessica, let’s call her, facetime’d me before we ever had a date, showing me video of her splashing around in a hot tub, drinking wine. When it was finally time for…

Please Stop Talking About Trump

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Whenever I want to explain how life works, I tell my penguin story. Short version: Every year male penguins assemble in Antarctica, they make the best nest they can, in the best position they can find. Females choose a mate, largely based on how good the nest is. The two have sex. If over the coming year the female penguin decides the male penguin was a good producer, the female goes looking for the same mate next time all the penguins assemble. Men want sex and are willing to build a nest to get it…

When you think it went great, but she blocks you the next day

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New to the dating scene, I naively used a dating service to connect with someone, we had coffee, we both laughed the whole way through, she gave me a big hug at the end, and immediately sent me a text telling me how much she enjoyed it. The next day she disconnected from me on the dating site and blocked me on her phone (voice and text).


I had a seriously good time. We talked about seeing each other again, I was really excited about seeing her again, but I can’t help thinking I was dumped at first site. WHY????

It is not anyone’s fault, including yours. Be firm, kind, and reasonable.

Silhouette of woman and man facing in opposite directions
Silhouette of woman and man facing in opposite directions
Image Credit: pxhere

When my wife came to me and angrily insisted, I leave the family home, I wished I had a simple guide to follow. No doubt, I would have rejected some of the advice, because emotions are overwhelming in a situation like this, but nonetheless, I wish I had a simple guide available or driven into my consciousness by a good friend, on a daily basis.

Some basic principles to keep in mind:

  • If she will not invest, you should divest
  • Do not try to convince her she is…

If a man only wants someone for cooking, cleaning, and sex, he does not need to have a woman living with him.

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A recent Medium story about why aging women don’t want to live with their men, by Vicki Larson, is definitely a conversation starter and I have seen it posted outside of Medium as well.

As a man, the temptation is to be defensive in response to this story, and I have certainly experienced some transient emotions along those lines. After all, from one perspective it can seem like just another caricature of men as lazy, abusing (grouchy) slobs…

Third Act

Awakening, discovering who I am, reinventing myself. Childhood, marriage, and now post-separation/divorce. It is my third act. My best act so far.

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