Man drinking coffee alone
Man drinking coffee alone
Source: Jacob Rank

Phone in hand.
Tears cascading.
Cards flipped.
Solitaire sipped.

Rehearsing how it might go, I was overwhelmed with grief. Thirty years I had honored, protected, and loved her. Now I imagined, how our most difficult exchange might flow.

What reaction would there be, when I announced, my resignation to divorce; concluding the need to move on; companionship and comfort I longed.

Could she possibly imagine, the excruciating pain, from even brief contemplation? Would she call me an abuser, in search of misogynistic sex, or would she understand my deep need, for emotional connection and support; the same she once provided, but no longer could.

Rejection stands.
Relationship failing.
Memories scared.
Solitaire sipped.

On me, divorce visited despair. In darkness, there was no hope of repair. Some days, more time in the fetal position than standing. I needed someone to hug me and tell me everything would be ok. The woman who had done so for 30 years, now refused. In a huddled mess, I would sometimes reach out for help, but then I would pull back, fearing my vulnerability exposed, would be used against me in court. Worse still, I felt a burden. For both our sakes, someone needed to take her place.

Love forsaken.
Quivering limbs shaking.
Connection taken.
Solitaire, no mistaking.

Oh great Cupid,
You bludgeoned me stupid.
Lonely hand,
I’d like to lose it.

In darkness,
My heart be gripped.
Pucker my lips,
One more time,
Solitaire sipped.

Awakening, discovering who I am, reinventing myself. Childhood, marriage, and now post-separation/divorce. It is my third act. My best act so far.

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